Earlier this summer, I took my younger son Nick to a music class to settle an ongoing argument we’ve been having over what instrument he might want to learn.
When they were young, I coerced both my boys into taking piano lessons. Erik stuck with it for 5 years, even though the last 3 years were sheer torture with daily tantrums and tears during practice time. Once Erik took up a band instrument (clarinet in 5th grade, then switching to alto saxophone in 6th grade), I released us both from the Piano Wars. But we both still have battle scars from them.
Nick has taken 2 ½ years of piano and I’ve already incurred more casualties with him than with the first son. I’m ready to transition him onto another instrument NOW. I found a great book from the library about how to pick the right instrument based on your child’s natural temperament, titled Musical Instruments for Children: Choosing What's Right for Your Child by Richard Crozier. I found it highly insightful and much of the author’s assessments, while generalizations, do have some basis in truth from my own musical experience. So, from studying this book cover to cover, I am thinking that either 1) flute or 2) drums would be a good fit for Nick.
Of course, Nick always has to find his own way and solution to things. He is extremely different from me and our ongoing struggle is always about me learning to just let him be who he is, not who I think he should be. He told me he might like to try violin. The blood froze in my veins. Just a personal bias, but I cannot stand the sound of string instruments unless they are very low (cello or bass) or they are played extremely well.
I tried to dissuade him. “You’ll have to practice violin TWICE as much as another instrument – I heard the orchestra teacher tell her kids that at Erik’s concert last year. You already hate practicing piano for 20 minutes a day. Are you prepared to practice violin for 40-60 minutes a day?”
The truth was that I knew *I* wasn’t ready and it would lead to my certain death.
Several months later, Nick told me he might want to try the trumpet. I didn’t have any personal problem with that, but I didn’t think he had the physical stature and lung capacity to be successful with it. He is the skinniest kid you’ve ever seen and I wasn’t sure he’d be able to get a good sound out of a trumpet, much less hold it up with his hands for any length of time. This time, I tried to let it go and just let him exercise his free will.
BUT, since I couldn’t really let it go completely, I signed us both up for the Sound Sampler class at the CSMA. It was a 2-hour class that would give him a chance to sample (really touch and play) several different instruments – it sounded like a great idea! He reluctantly agreed. When the class rolled around 3 months later, he claimed he never agreed to this and did not want to go. But I was on a Mommy Mission to settle this issue once and for all.
There were about 24 kids and as many parents who showed up for the Sound Sampler class on a Sunday afternoon. We were split into smaller groups that would rotate through the different rooms where they’d have a chance to try the instruments. Nick was placed in a group with two other 9-year old boys. We went to drums first. Of course, they all enjoyed the drums – it was loud, and they got to pound different things with sticks. What was not to like?
I whispered encouragingly to Johnny’s mother, “Wow, Johnny seems to have a knack for the drums!”
She whispered back to me, “We’ve already talked about this—NO drums.”
On to the next room. There were clarinets and flutes to try. The boys started with the clarinets – and blew so hard that nothing but high pitched squawks and squeals came out. As a former clarinet player, it was almost too much for me to bear – I’m sure I had an awful look of pain on my face the entire time. I think the teacher, a young woman, was too conflict avoidant to actually tell the boys to stop doing it. They switched to flute. Nick was able to get a sound out on the first try – not an easy task. He looked really pleased with his achievement.
After the guitar room, we had a short break and I could see the other moms talking with their sons about what instrument they might like to play. My conversation with Nick went like this:
“So, Nick, what do you think? What instrument do you like so far?”
“I’m not going to tell you. Don’t even ask me until the END of this thing. And don’t ask me then either. I’ll tell you when I decide to tell you.”
Our battle raged on.
Things degenerated after the break. We went to the trumpet room next, and waited as the teacher strolled in 5 minutes late. He had a thick accent and told the kids to breathe and to press on his stomach and chest (harder, HARDER!) to understand how to breathe properly. Then he told them to spit (not THAT way, THIS way!). It was unbelievably comical. Johnny’s mother leaned over to us and said, “Oh my gosh, this is like a bad Saturday Night Live skit, isn’t it?” And it was.
Off to the string room – for violin and cello. The string teacher had clearly had enough and asked us what time it was – I’m sure she was counting the seconds until it was over and she could go home. She also used mostly hand signals and touch to tell the kids what she wanted them to do. She went around silently and robotically moving fingers, arms, and hands to where she wanted them to be.
We all skipped the last room – keyboards – since all of our boys were already taking piano lessons. It had been a long afternoon – and we were relieved to be able to leave early.
On the way home, Nick finally leaked out some information. “I think I might want to try the flute. Or the drums. Either one of those. Or maybe guitar too.” We have no room in our house for drums, and with a mere 10 feet between our house and our next door neighbors, there was no way we could manage drums. But I knew if I, like Johnny’s mother, said “NO drums”, then that is exactly what Nick would fixate on and the battle would continue.
I’m realizing though that Nick may just not really be into music. And I’m coming to peace with that. Music was such a big part of my childhood experience (piano, clarinet, flute and sax) and I enjoyed it so much and was able to continue playing in college. But Nick isn’t me – he is very different from me, and he is much more interested in taking digital photos, making movies, and learning to program in visual basic on the computer. So, I’m preparing myself for the day he quits, probably as part of the mass exodus of other instrument-quitters after 6th grade when the instrument requirement is fulfilled. And I will be ready to give it up completely this time. I hope.
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