Stepping Up to an Unpopular Position

I read a quote over the summer that keeps rolling around in my head. It was from actress Diane Keaton, talking about how nothing challenges your values like having children. It's easy enough to say what you believe--and even say it with conviction. But until you're called to live out those values in front of your children, or enforce them on behalf of your children, they're just empty words.

For me the rubber met the road this past weekend when my 10-year old daughter was at a sleepover birthday party with four other girls her age--girls who, for the most part, have different rules in their homes than we do. Girls whose families are all apparently okay with letting them watch PG-13 movies.

The movie in question was "Step Up 2," a romance about two teenage dance students from different backgrounds. A movie that includes not only "realistic threats and dangers, violence or threat of violence and/or stories in which children are hurt or threatened" but also "provocative dancing and kissing" (information taken from youngmedia.org).

Knowing our views on PG-13 movies, my daughter called home when she and her friends were on their way to the video store, being driven by the mom of the birthday girl. (She called using her 10-year old friend's cell phone--see what I'm up against?). Giggling, and with an audience, she asked if it would be okay if they rented Step Up 2. Well aware of the social pressure she was under, I asked her to please let the mother know that we are not comfortable with that and would really prefer that they choose a PG movie. They went home with Step Up 2. A few hours later, my daughter called and asked to be picked up from the sleepover.

Did her declaration that the movie violated her family values lead to the next few hours of group dynamics so uncomfortable that she felt painfully left out? It's worth noting that at no time did she get mad at me about this; I think she knew full well the movie was inappropriate. In fact, she later said to me "I'm okay with not watching PG-13 movies until I'm 13."

The bigger question is, should I have spared her the embarrassment and said it was fine for her to watch a PG-13 movie?

Some people I've discussed this with said yes, I shouldn't have made an issue of it for her sake. But I know what I believe, and that's that I want to protect my children from media that exposes them to frightening or provocative images. I also know that I want to be the kind of parent who lives out what I claim as my values, regardless of whether that's popular or not.

I'm just saying, it's not easy, and it's not fun.

Comments

[Jane]

I am really impressed with your daughter's integrity in that very difficult situation! Both of you are courageous. Thanks for the encouragement in my own parenting!

[Shannon Rigney Keane]

My daughter is only one year old, and already I feel myself/my values tested constantly - whether to let her watch tv (or "educational" videos), eat sugary snacks, wear designer clothing, receive excessive gifts. What makes it harder for me is that many of these challenges come from the people who raised me; people whose eyebrows go up when my foot comes down, as if they are saying, "You question my judgement?"

I enjoyed reading your story and I, too, am impressed with the poise, wisdom, and maturity that your young daughter showed. If that's not proof that you've got something right, I don't know what is. Thanks for the inspiration.